Now What?

     Ok, soooo,... I'm here, sitting on my floor, stuffing my face with chocolate and ice cream. I know this usually happens after break ups, or other things in that category, but for me I guess this is just one of the ways I grieve my dad's death. By the way,... my dad passed away on Monday around 11 pm. It was quite interesting actually. The few days I saw my dad before he died I would learn so much about my family's past it sickened me. To the point where I was confused on if I was stressed more over the drama of my ridiculous family or the fact that my dad was lying there almost in a coma, dying. So around 10:30 pm I sat there,... wondering and getting myself all worked up over something that wasn't worth my time. I was thinking about it more that my dad, and even more than God. Not spending time with Jesus, and filling my mind with all these thoughts of what happened in the past and who my family was. It didn't even matter. It was pointless. I left everything I was doing, and went to be alone. I prayed and prayed. Poured out my heart to God, and cried. I realized that in all actuality, I wasn't letting my dad go at all. I sat there the day before holding his hand telling him it was ok to go, but really I was holding on. I was holding onto all the things that caused me pain. All the things I wish I could have changed, all the things I wish were different about what happened and what my family did. All the things,... that were done and never could be changed. I almost in a way felt hypocritical. I went to YWAM and learned all about forgiveness and how important it was, and here I am not even thinking about it. So,... I did. I forgave not only my dad for everything but for my family and chose to continuously be forgiving towards them... I came back to the real world around 11 pm, at peace, and full of the joy of God, then as God had prepared me, we got the phone call that my dad took his last breath. I cried as that is normal, but I knew that God had prepared me for it. 
     I took the next day off, and had a few friends over, each one bringing chocolate. Oh how chocolate is good for the soul :) Don't worry guys I poured my self out to God first.  He is of course where my ultimate peace, joy, and comfort comes from. I did work the day after, but the next day, I had to come home early from work. So as you may be able to tell, I do have my good days and bad. I don't really know what sets me off, and honestly if you ask me how I am, I usually don't have a straight up answer. I'm as good as I can be I guess. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to grieve, but what I just recently discovered is that even this, me writing about this is making me move on. I do let myself cry, unlike my past, where I was too afraid to cry. I allow myself to be sad, and confused, for I know God will show me clarity. I honestly have no idea how I could possibly be even remotely ok if it wasn't for God. Even though my earthly father has died, my Heavenly father lives and will always and forevermore. It is going to be hard, you know, my birthday is in a couple of weeks. I usually spent a little bit of time with him, and on Fathers Day, I'll be a wreck, and don't even get me started on my wedding. All I know is that I have to take it one day at a time, and God has a bigger and better plan, and I can't stress about my future now. If God can worry about a bird, than I am defiantly worth His time. I know that this isn't goodbye, it's merely see you later. I know I'll see him in Heaven. I do feel like I had closure, but I feel like with someone you love, closure at death is never enough. I am ok with everything that happened. I can face it, I can't change it, but it will always hurt. He wasn't my best friend, not even close, but he was my father. He tried his best, but he was still learning too. He helped make me the strong person that I am today. He made me be independent. He tried, but most importantly, he loved me. I know he's looking down on me now smiling, and I promised him when he was dying I was going to make him so proud and I plan on keeping that promise. I will never forget the good times. I will be the best I can be for him and of course for my heavenly dad.
     So here is whats going on.  I've been working really hard to get to the second school for YWAM money is scarce at the moment but I'm not giving up. I know God wants me to go there, and I know that that will be a very good place for me to continue my grieving process. I can't want to be with my YWAM family again too. This Thursday is the funeral, and I'm not really sure what to think about it. So if you guys could continue to pray for me and my family that would  be awesome. I'll be sure to write again soon :)