Ok, soooo,... I'm here, sitting on my floor, stuffing my face with chocolate and ice cream. I know this usually happens after break ups, or other things in that category, but for me I guess this is just one of the ways I grieve my dad's death. By the way,... my dad passed away on Monday around 11 pm. It was quite interesting actually. The few days I saw my dad before he died I would learn so much about my family's past it sickened me. To the point where I was confused on if I was stressed more over the drama of my ridiculous family or the fact that my dad was lying there almost in a coma, dying. So around 10:30 pm I sat there,... wondering and getting myself all worked up over something that wasn't worth my time. I was thinking about it more that my dad, and even more than God. Not spending time with Jesus, and filling my mind with all these thoughts of what happened in the past and who my family was. It didn't even matter. It was pointless. I left everything I was doing, and went to be alone. I prayed and prayed. Poured out my heart to God, and cried. I realized that in all actuality, I wasn't letting my dad go at all. I sat there the day before holding his hand telling him it was ok to go, but really I was holding on. I was holding onto all the things that caused me pain. All the things I wish I could have changed, all the things I wish were different about what happened and what my family did. All the things,... that were done and never could be changed. I almost in a way felt hypocritical. I went to YWAM and learned all about forgiveness and how important it was, and here I am not even thinking about it. So,... I did. I forgave not only my dad for everything but for my family and chose to continuously be forgiving towards them... I came back to the real world around 11 pm, at peace, and full of the joy of God, then as God had prepared me, we got the phone call that my dad took his last breath. I cried as that is normal, but I knew that God had prepared me for it.
I took the next day off, and had a few friends over, each one bringing chocolate. Oh how chocolate is good for the soul :) Don't worry guys I poured my self out to God first. He is of course where my ultimate peace, joy, and comfort comes from. I did work the day after, but the next day, I had to come home early from work. So as you may be able to tell, I do have my good days and bad. I don't really know what sets me off, and honestly if you ask me how I am, I usually don't have a straight up answer. I'm as good as I can be I guess. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to grieve, but what I just recently discovered is that even this, me writing about this is making me move on. I do let myself cry, unlike my past, where I was too afraid to cry. I allow myself to be sad, and confused, for I know God will show me clarity. I honestly have no idea how I could possibly be even remotely ok if it wasn't for God. Even though my earthly father has died, my Heavenly father lives and will always and forevermore. It is going to be hard, you know, my birthday is in a couple of weeks. I usually spent a little bit of time with him, and on Fathers Day, I'll be a wreck, and don't even get me started on my wedding. All I know is that I have to take it one day at a time, and God has a bigger and better plan, and I can't stress about my future now. If God can worry about a bird, than I am defiantly worth His time. I know that this isn't goodbye, it's merely see you later. I know I'll see him in Heaven. I do feel like I had closure, but I feel like with someone you love, closure at death is never enough. I am ok with everything that happened. I can face it, I can't change it, but it will always hurt. He wasn't my best friend, not even close, but he was my father. He tried his best, but he was still learning too. He helped make me the strong person that I am today. He made me be independent. He tried, but most importantly, he loved me. I know he's looking down on me now smiling, and I promised him when he was dying I was going to make him so proud and I plan on keeping that promise. I will never forget the good times. I will be the best I can be for him and of course for my heavenly dad.
So here is whats going on. I've been working really hard to get to the second school for YWAM money is scarce at the moment but I'm not giving up. I know God wants me to go there, and I know that that will be a very good place for me to continue my grieving process. I can't want to be with my YWAM family again too. This Thursday is the funeral, and I'm not really sure what to think about it. So if you guys could continue to pray for me and my family that would be awesome. I'll be sure to write again soon :)
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Coming to an end
Job is going well!!! I'm making bank sonnn! 92 in tips the other day, on a Wednesday morning. Things are looking up in that aspect. Seeing my friends alot before I leave, definitely a good thing as well. One thing I do hate though about that job, there is so much drama, it's a little bit insane. So many people are dating, or trash talking the others. I stay clear away from it. I do feel that I'm doing well waitressing, but I'm also going back to Minnesota soon!
I'm really excited about it, also excited to see beautiful Minnesota in the summer, with a pool, heck ya! I can't wait to see what God does it my life this time, if he changed me this much just in the first school, what more can he do for me in the second. Especially because I love like counseling people and just all around talking to them, and helping. So looking forward to this second school by far.
My dad hasn't been the best... ha, who am I kidding, he is miserable... I went to visit him today. His liver is failing, and his lungs are full of liquid, he's on so much morphine, he can't even talk, or hear us talking most of the time. It's really sad seeing him like this. He has no color in his skin, and they of course took his dentures out. My dad did conquer a long lived goal today, my brother, sister, and I were all in the same room today. Longest time I've ever been with my brother. Sad it had to be like this, but good that we were finally together. We all sat in the room with him, telling him we loved him, wishing we all could say so much more. When it finally came to me, I couldn't find the words to say to him to make everything ok, honestly I will never have full closure with him I feel. I really just have to trust that God will heal me completely. There is so much more that I have to deal with, with all of this that is under the surface. For all of us, at least my brother and sister. My family isn't the best, and I am so grateful for my friends that are like my family. I'm not at the best state of mind right now. I'm praying for comfort and clarity. There is so much going on in my head right now. So much that I can't even thing straight. I know that God has a reason for everything that happens. I know that He is close to the broken hearted. I know that He will give me all the strength that I need to carry on. I know He will, but I also know that there is a time to mourn, and now is my time. I am happy at the fact that even though my dad is barely responsive, he did answer me and tell me he loved me too. I just wish he wasn't in pain. I wish this was easy, I wish he didn't have to go, I wish so many things, but there is a bigger and better plan. There is no pain where he is going anyways. You know. I understand, so many unfortunate kids with no parents, so much sickness in the world, so much pain, I almost feel selfish to say that I'm too young for him to go right now. I'm stuck between the missionary mindset, and the young adult who just wishes she could have some more time with her father. I wish I could spend one more day with him, one last time. I wish I could have an actual conversation with him, knowing for a fact that he can understand everything I'm saying. I don't even remember that much before he was sick. I can't live with all these regrets, I feel like it's all my fault for not trying harder, but what more was I supposed to do? I ran away for so long, it's too late to go back now. He wasn't the best father by far, but he was still my dad. I don't want to have to look back and say I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I don't want to be like that. All I can do at this point is pray to God, pray to my Heavenly Father. Receive my comfort and joy from Him, That will never run out at least. I know I can rely on Him. Please keep my dad, and my family in your prayers.
I'm really excited about it, also excited to see beautiful Minnesota in the summer, with a pool, heck ya! I can't wait to see what God does it my life this time, if he changed me this much just in the first school, what more can he do for me in the second. Especially because I love like counseling people and just all around talking to them, and helping. So looking forward to this second school by far.
My dad hasn't been the best... ha, who am I kidding, he is miserable... I went to visit him today. His liver is failing, and his lungs are full of liquid, he's on so much morphine, he can't even talk, or hear us talking most of the time. It's really sad seeing him like this. He has no color in his skin, and they of course took his dentures out. My dad did conquer a long lived goal today, my brother, sister, and I were all in the same room today. Longest time I've ever been with my brother. Sad it had to be like this, but good that we were finally together. We all sat in the room with him, telling him we loved him, wishing we all could say so much more. When it finally came to me, I couldn't find the words to say to him to make everything ok, honestly I will never have full closure with him I feel. I really just have to trust that God will heal me completely. There is so much more that I have to deal with, with all of this that is under the surface. For all of us, at least my brother and sister. My family isn't the best, and I am so grateful for my friends that are like my family. I'm not at the best state of mind right now. I'm praying for comfort and clarity. There is so much going on in my head right now. So much that I can't even thing straight. I know that God has a reason for everything that happens. I know that He is close to the broken hearted. I know that He will give me all the strength that I need to carry on. I know He will, but I also know that there is a time to mourn, and now is my time. I am happy at the fact that even though my dad is barely responsive, he did answer me and tell me he loved me too. I just wish he wasn't in pain. I wish this was easy, I wish he didn't have to go, I wish so many things, but there is a bigger and better plan. There is no pain where he is going anyways. You know. I understand, so many unfortunate kids with no parents, so much sickness in the world, so much pain, I almost feel selfish to say that I'm too young for him to go right now. I'm stuck between the missionary mindset, and the young adult who just wishes she could have some more time with her father. I wish I could spend one more day with him, one last time. I wish I could have an actual conversation with him, knowing for a fact that he can understand everything I'm saying. I don't even remember that much before he was sick. I can't live with all these regrets, I feel like it's all my fault for not trying harder, but what more was I supposed to do? I ran away for so long, it's too late to go back now. He wasn't the best father by far, but he was still my dad. I don't want to have to look back and say I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I don't want to be like that. All I can do at this point is pray to God, pray to my Heavenly Father. Receive my comfort and joy from Him, That will never run out at least. I know I can rely on Him. Please keep my dad, and my family in your prayers.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Long Visit....
First off, I'm going to warn you guys. When I go to Minnesota, I can't use this blog on a regular basis, but I will as much as I can get to internet places. I was going to try wordpress, but even the site was slower than anything... and I customized this and made it my own. So while I'm there, if I need to say something I'll e-mail you guys just tell me if you want me to put you on my newsletter group. Then when I get to the internet outside the base I'll publish all of my writings to my blog :) ahhh!
Ok, so today I went to see my father. It actually went well, we prayed, and I tried to get him to understand that he is dying, he's still in denial, which hurts all of us even more. He is just angry in general, and not wanting to listen, so frustrated and confused. He feels like he needs to make up the past 10 years he hasn't had with me. We all know that isn't going to happen, and I don't know what I can possibly do to make him see. All I can do is pray, and be there and let him know I love him. I even bought him a squirrel, weird I know, but he likes squirrels,... He is in a lot of pain, and I guess that doctors gave him like three weeks, but we really don't know.. He's been accepted to a house like place, kinda like a nursing home I'm guessing, in Saratoga. We'll see how that goes, he is supposed to be released from the hospital on Monday.
I'm going again tomorrow! I"ll let you guys know how it goes.
God is so amazing, He is my comfort and my shelter, my peace and my hope. Also my friends and family are really awesome! Thanks guys for everything!!
Ok, so today I went to see my father. It actually went well, we prayed, and I tried to get him to understand that he is dying, he's still in denial, which hurts all of us even more. He is just angry in general, and not wanting to listen, so frustrated and confused. He feels like he needs to make up the past 10 years he hasn't had with me. We all know that isn't going to happen, and I don't know what I can possibly do to make him see. All I can do is pray, and be there and let him know I love him. I even bought him a squirrel, weird I know, but he likes squirrels,... He is in a lot of pain, and I guess that doctors gave him like three weeks, but we really don't know.. He's been accepted to a house like place, kinda like a nursing home I'm guessing, in Saratoga. We'll see how that goes, he is supposed to be released from the hospital on Monday.
I'm going again tomorrow! I"ll let you guys know how it goes.
God is so amazing, He is my comfort and my shelter, my peace and my hope. Also my friends and family are really awesome! Thanks guys for everything!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Interesting Time...
This Sunday I had a presentation for Peru at my local church. It actually went surprisingly well. People were very interested in what I had to say, and what my newly knowledged brain had to offer. We put up donation baskets, and I received a good sum of money :) SOMD here I come!!! I played the slide show I made for my YWAM DTS graduation, and hearing all the laughing and the "aweees" was just awesome. It was just really good for my home church to really understand my goals and dreams, and it meant alot to know that they were all there supporting me and praying for me.
It was good trying to explain things, but it was also hard for me because, honestly, I didn't know how to answer all the questions asked of me. Questions like, "So, what do the people in Peru do all day?", or "So, where do they bathe?" It just kills me, but I do the best explaining I can. I miss the people there, and I just wish there was more I can do, but all I can do is pray at the moment.
As of now, I am working two jobs! Although, hours around here are slim in both work areas. I still work at Tommy Hilfiger, going on, I do believe 5 years!! Now, I also waitress at a place some of you may be familiar with, Johnny Rockets. I like it alot, and I need money for SOMD, so might as well have fun while I'm doing it. I enjoy the people I work with, I get talk to people, in fact the more you interact with the customers, the better! I even get to dance to old fifties songs! I have to wear a red ribbon in my hair and a black bow tie, and listen to fifties songs ALL. DAY. LONG. I love it.
Another thing. As some of you may know, my father is very sick. In fact, we are pretty sure it won't be another month. He has cancer in his kidneys, and liver, and now apparently he has pneumonia. He is on morphine and I know its coming to an end. I honestly don't know how I'm feeling about all this. I guess you could say I have my good times and my bad times. Sometimes I just want to spill my guts, others I just will sit in complete silence, contemplating all my thoughts. Sometimes I just break down in fear, others I'll be laughing. I hope I don't slowly get to a numb state. I constantly pray to God to save me from this coming grief, yet there is a time to grieve. God is my shelter and my comfort though. He is close to the broken hearted. Please keep him in your prayers...
It was good trying to explain things, but it was also hard for me because, honestly, I didn't know how to answer all the questions asked of me. Questions like, "So, what do the people in Peru do all day?", or "So, where do they bathe?" It just kills me, but I do the best explaining I can. I miss the people there, and I just wish there was more I can do, but all I can do is pray at the moment.
As of now, I am working two jobs! Although, hours around here are slim in both work areas. I still work at Tommy Hilfiger, going on, I do believe 5 years!! Now, I also waitress at a place some of you may be familiar with, Johnny Rockets. I like it alot, and I need money for SOMD, so might as well have fun while I'm doing it. I enjoy the people I work with, I get talk to people, in fact the more you interact with the customers, the better! I even get to dance to old fifties songs! I have to wear a red ribbon in my hair and a black bow tie, and listen to fifties songs ALL. DAY. LONG. I love it.
Another thing. As some of you may know, my father is very sick. In fact, we are pretty sure it won't be another month. He has cancer in his kidneys, and liver, and now apparently he has pneumonia. He is on morphine and I know its coming to an end. I honestly don't know how I'm feeling about all this. I guess you could say I have my good times and my bad times. Sometimes I just want to spill my guts, others I just will sit in complete silence, contemplating all my thoughts. Sometimes I just break down in fear, others I'll be laughing. I hope I don't slowly get to a numb state. I constantly pray to God to save me from this coming grief, yet there is a time to grieve. God is my shelter and my comfort though. He is close to the broken hearted. Please keep him in your prayers...
The Beginning
This. Is. My. Life.
The past five months of my life have been pretty spectacular. Some of you know, I’ve been at YWAM Minneapolis. The first three months were a lecture phase, where we had a special speaker come in every week and talk about a certain subject that whole week. Then after those three months we went on an outreach to another country for two months. My outreach was Peru. Ok, let me give you all the details now.
Let me tell you guys a little bit more about what YWAM really is. It was founded in 1960 by Loren Cunningham. Pretty amazing story. He was a very radical missionary for God, and God told him very clearly that he was supposed to get young people together to bring them on missions. Its all explained in the book called Is that really you, God? It’s a very good book. We had to read it during lecture phase. There up to 17,000 staff, 30,000 students, in at least 170 different countries, with at least 1,200 bases all over the world. Here are the foundational beliefs that hold all the YWAMs together
1) The Bible is the authoritative word of God
2) We have one purpose, to grow with God and know God
3) We all can hear God’s voice
4) We practice worship and intercessional prayer
5) We are visionaries
6) We are broad structured and decentralized
7) We are international, interdenominational
8) We have a Biblical world view
9) We function in teams
10) We are leaders in serving
11) We act first, then teach
12) We are relationship orientated
13) There is a very strong value of individuals
14) We are family orientated
15) We raise all our support J
16) We practice hospitality
Now my base has DTSs which is a Discipleship Training School, which is what I just attended, Mission Adventures, which is almost like a minnie DTS that takes people that are still in high school on short term mission trips every summer, Local Outreaches, and Kids Against Hunger, which packs food and sends it to kids all over the world. The last school that you can do is called SOMD school of ministry development.
During those first three months we heard talks on subjects like
1) Hearing God’s Voice
2) Strategic Missions
3) Relationships
4) Social Justice and the Goodness of God – very emotional week!!!
5) Studying the Bible
6) Identity and Destiny – very awesome week!!!
7) Nature and Character of God
8) The Father Heart of God
9) The Devine Plumline
10) Making Choices that Honor God
11) Spiritual Warfare
During that time we had things like small groups once a week, where we could get out what we were processing, we also had a “one on one” assigned to each person as a way to verbally process alone what was stirring in each one of us. We had to read a book every two weeks and answer questions about it. We had local outreaches once a week as well. The students had two options, helping kids at a trailer park called Corcoran Trailer Park with their homework or just spending time with them, or what I did going to the Tibetan Kids Club. We got together in an after school program with a bunch of little Tibetan Kids and tried to teach them Christian morals and about God as secretly as we could, so their parents wouldn’t get mad and keep them from coming. Every day we had “work duties” for two hours. Some had to cook, others clean, or work on maintenance. Every morning we had quiet time for an hour before anything else. Monday we had worship after quiet time. Tuesday we had worship and intercession, Wednesday we had all the people working at the base together for intercession. Thursday we had worship and intercession. Friday we had small group intercession. Also!!! Every Thursday night at 7 we had family night, where anyone could come and we had worship then the speaker of that week would talk a little bit and we would have a testimony or two!!!
So that was my first three months. I changed a lot even in those months, and I really thought that there wasn’t anything else I could learn on outreach, but we all know that God is never done with us…. Ha ha ha. Out of the things I learned during that time, I learned that you probably will never be able to make everyone happy, or make everyone like you, and that is perfectly fine. God loves everyone, but it became more personal to me. God loved me. The prettiest thing I could imagine. God made that for me. He made it knowing that one day I would just stare and wonder in its beauty!!!
Now if you think all of this is amazing, news for all of you,… it only gets better. For the outreaches we had two options. Russia or Peru. I had plans on going to Peru but I still prayed about in non-the-less. God informed me, quite amusingly, that why would he give me such a passion for Latino culture, language, food, and music if he was only going to send me to Russia,… Also in my praying, I had a vision of me walking through the jungle to a river and kids laughing all the way. So to all or yours surprise,… I CHOSE PERU!! YAY!
We set out on our way. 7 of us and two staff flew from Minneapolis to Atlanta, then from Atlanta to Lima. Easy right,… NOT!!! For some odd reason, can’t think of what that could be, everywhere we went something went wrong. HMM, stupid satan. Anyways. When leaving to go to Atlanta, our flight was delayed and we didn’t have much time to get to the layover. When we arrived to Atlanta, we ran, I mean RAN to our gate, only to find that the plan left without us. So we were stuck in Atlanta for the night. I do have to say though our spirits were quite high, we sat in the airport singing praise songs!! We weren’t going to let satan win anything. Delta gave us vouchers for food and gave us all hotel rooms until we could leave the next evening. So that is exactly what we did!! The next day we flew safely to Lima! We stayed in Lima that night at the YWAM base there. Then the next day we flew into Iquitos which is the city we were in if we weren’t in the jungle.
We arrived in Iquitos set up our stuff, met the people at the base! We had a great time exploring the city. We helped out at the base too. We sanded doors for them, and visited churches. We were only in the city for three days since we were behind. Then we were off to the jungle!!! On our first trip we went to San Jose, San Juan, Shapahesja, Lorencio Prado, and Fortuna. While we were there we dug two wells, and we saved enough to have a third well installed in another village that we went to on the second trip. We deparasited, evangelized, had youth programs, and we had church services every night. We also had someone of us preach or give testimonies along with dramas we did. EVERY NIGHT! Also in the first village, we had a mini youth camp. Which I want to say is like YWAM but in three days. All of us prepared a teaching or two that we had to give in front of all the youth. I had teachings on relationships and inner healing. It actually went very well!!! After about two weeks in the jungle we went back to Iquitos.
Back at the base we had lots of work ahead of us. We had a youth program in one of the churches called “Bella Luc” beautiful light. We painted a church called “Four Square” and we cleaned, chipped off paint, and repainted a Christian Missionary Alliance Church. We spent a lot of time there. We got to clean the cement floors with brooms, water, and laundry detergent, (don’t worry this is normal). Then we had to get ladders throw water on the building chip off the paint and paint it NEON GREEN, (don’t worry this is normal too). After all our working we did go out to eat a few times, we really enjoyed the Chifa, which is Peruvian Chinese food!!! Then went shopping with the street vendors, we really enjoyed our time.
After all of this, for about a week in the city, we headed back to the JUNGLE!!!! This time we went to Dos de Mayo (yes second of May, I don’t understand either), Sucre, Bagasan, and Nueva York (yes New York, just in the jungle!!) We did the same things like deparasiting, evangelizing, church services, dramas, and so forth. In the first village we went to though, we have a great story. There was no church there or so we thought, but really there was, it was just abandoned. We woke up early one morning, mowed the lawns (with machetes, its normal) and cleaned up the church as we washed the walls with brooms and the floors with brooms and soap as well, (normal). As we were cleaning, we stirred attention among the people who helped us out, and we had a church service in it the first day. It was awesome!!!
After about 15 days we went back to Iquitos. This time we worked with the alliance church a lot. We had a youth camp there for them This camp lasted about three days. It was awesome. The people were so receptive. After all of this, we actually got to go to the zoo! That was so much fun!!! I held a boa constrictor!! Ha ha ha.
Ok here is what the jungle was like, my real living conditions that I didn’t really want to tell my mom about, buy hooray for being a radical missionary, sorry mom, its my job J. We slept in huts, if you will, more or less open aired sometimes walled things. The people were very very nice, most were receptive to God, others weren’t but that is always the way it goes, it can break your heart, but we are there to plant the seed, God will do the rest. There were always chickens, ducks, cats, dogs, rats, HUGE spiders, ants, any jungle things in our rooms. We slept in mosquito hammocks. We had to change behind sheets because well, there wasn’t always walls, in fact there was only walls around all the way once. Kids were always following us, and the villagers stare at us like we were at an exhibit. Most of them have never seen “gringos” a lot. We had to put bug spray on like every hour, even then my leg was covered, literally a bug bite every half an inch, guys I WISH I was exaggerating. We bathed in the river, in our bathing suits, sometimes there was something for us to sit on, but it was always awkward because there were always people staring. Sometimes there was a well at the village where we could fill up buckets of water to pour it on ourselves with bowls. Our dirty clothes??? We washed them in the river with buckets and soap. We let it air dry with hopes there wouldn’t be ants on them when we took it off. Ants bite a lot down in Latin America and HARD. HMM BATHROOMS?? Yeah holes in the ground J sometimes they made the seat look like a toilet. In one village there was an actual toilet but we had to flush down the objects with water we got from the well, hard work,… A lot of us just went wherever we could find a place, I won’t get into details if you don’t want to hear them, but I’ll answer any questions you have!! It was very hot, and humid, after bathing, you didn’t know if you were still wet or sweating again. Yes I was scared every night but I have something that will protect me from anything GOD J
This whole experience taught me more than I could every express to you all in words. Those of you that see me will have to just watch me. But I will try to tell you all I can. I learned that my value only comes from God, no one else. I should be at such a place with God that anyone can come up and say the foulest thing to me and I’ll be ok because I know what God says about me is true. Also why do people get upset if people are mad at them, is it for selfish reasons, is it “why is she or he mad at me???? I just want everyone to like me!!” or is it “why is he or she mad, what can I do to fix this and how can I change, how did I offend them” I can’t please everyone, and I’m not the savior of the world. I can’t do anything on my own and its foolish to try and play God and try to do so. I’m in love with God, and I know He listens to the tiniest thing from me. He has a sense of humor and He wants to give me everything I need. He was always there and will always be there. He wants to love me more than anyone in this world ever can. He wants to fill the hole I have, He wants to show me the world. He hates seeing me in pain, but if I just ask Him, he takes it away so quick. He can talk to other threw me. It’s awesome! I’m glad I have such a gift, also I happen to be quite empathetic, I’m still trying to figure that. I also have this thing were I love to counsel others, still practicing that too, because I obviously can’t do any of this with out Him!!! Anything that you “can’t” live without or anything that you go to when you are upset can turn into a god. I realized that when I’m upset I go straight to music. I was praying the first days and God told me to fast my ipod, I just about had a fit but I agreed. Now when I have issues, I go straight to God, and hey, they get fixed faster, WEIRD!! I also learned, yes I have been hurt in my life, but not letting others in can potentially hurt me more. I am more open, I’ve learned it’s ok to cry, it isn’t a sign of weakness, it shows I can feel and instead of just stuffing down my emotions and not dealing with them, I deal with them I tell how I am feeling and I’m not afraid to be myself and be completely raw before others, even if I do get hurt, God will never reject me. This was very hard for me and took a lot of time, but thank God, God is patient!!!! I am extremely blessed. I have also found out what my passion in life is. Besides being a missionary and helping people, I want to work with street kids in South America somewhere. If God’s will to go back to Peru, so be it. I have no idea for now.
My plans so far are, In June, June 26th the second school for YWAM starts, I’m saving up right now. The topics are:
1) Principles of Ministry through Community
2) Biblical Worldview
3) Cross-Cultural Communication
4) Spiritual Gifts and Strengths Finder for Ministry
5) Personal Evangelism
6) Principles of Leadership
7) Compassion In Ministry
8) Faith and Finances for Ministry
9) Communication your Message Well
10) Understanding World Religions and the Make-Up of Your City
11) Practical leadership and discipleship
It’s a lot like the DTS but more independent now. For example after the first three months, your option for outreach is, alone, where you make up everything, with one or more other people, or you help staff the next DTS and then go on outreach with the students. I have been praying and I think that God wants me to do that one. I love counseling others and helping people, and why not practice there.
I really feel very strongly that God wants me to attend this school. The classroom phase is $2750, outreach phase is $1500 plus airfare to where ever we are going. The difference is, if I’m doing the staffing of the next DTS the finances are different, after lecture phase, its $342 a month, so I would be needing constant support. The school starts June 26th, and doing the internship staffing I would be returning around this time next year. I would be gone for about 8 months. This is something I feel I need to do, especially with all the people I went to DTS with. I made friendships with them like no other, and they all know me more than anyone, and it’ll be good to continue friendships that we all worked so hard on making. Please pray, and if you would like to donate anything please contact me. Also if you have any questions about anything go ahead and ask, I’d love to share!!! Thank you for your time! Sorry it’s so long, but its my past nine months!!! I also promise to write this newsletter thing once a week on updates. Thank you!!! And God Bless!!
The past five months of my life have been pretty spectacular. Some of you know, I’ve been at YWAM Minneapolis. The first three months were a lecture phase, where we had a special speaker come in every week and talk about a certain subject that whole week. Then after those three months we went on an outreach to another country for two months. My outreach was Peru. Ok, let me give you all the details now.
Let me tell you guys a little bit more about what YWAM really is. It was founded in 1960 by Loren Cunningham. Pretty amazing story. He was a very radical missionary for God, and God told him very clearly that he was supposed to get young people together to bring them on missions. Its all explained in the book called Is that really you, God? It’s a very good book. We had to read it during lecture phase. There up to 17,000 staff, 30,000 students, in at least 170 different countries, with at least 1,200 bases all over the world. Here are the foundational beliefs that hold all the YWAMs together
1) The Bible is the authoritative word of God
2) We have one purpose, to grow with God and know God
3) We all can hear God’s voice
4) We practice worship and intercessional prayer
5) We are visionaries
6) We are broad structured and decentralized
7) We are international, interdenominational
8) We have a Biblical world view
9) We function in teams
10) We are leaders in serving
11) We act first, then teach
12) We are relationship orientated
13) There is a very strong value of individuals
14) We are family orientated
15) We raise all our support J
16) We practice hospitality
Now my base has DTSs which is a Discipleship Training School, which is what I just attended, Mission Adventures, which is almost like a minnie DTS that takes people that are still in high school on short term mission trips every summer, Local Outreaches, and Kids Against Hunger, which packs food and sends it to kids all over the world. The last school that you can do is called SOMD school of ministry development.
During those first three months we heard talks on subjects like
1) Hearing God’s Voice
2) Strategic Missions
3) Relationships
4) Social Justice and the Goodness of God – very emotional week!!!
5) Studying the Bible
6) Identity and Destiny – very awesome week!!!
7) Nature and Character of God
8) The Father Heart of God
9) The Devine Plumline
10) Making Choices that Honor God
11) Spiritual Warfare
During that time we had things like small groups once a week, where we could get out what we were processing, we also had a “one on one” assigned to each person as a way to verbally process alone what was stirring in each one of us. We had to read a book every two weeks and answer questions about it. We had local outreaches once a week as well. The students had two options, helping kids at a trailer park called Corcoran Trailer Park with their homework or just spending time with them, or what I did going to the Tibetan Kids Club. We got together in an after school program with a bunch of little Tibetan Kids and tried to teach them Christian morals and about God as secretly as we could, so their parents wouldn’t get mad and keep them from coming. Every day we had “work duties” for two hours. Some had to cook, others clean, or work on maintenance. Every morning we had quiet time for an hour before anything else. Monday we had worship after quiet time. Tuesday we had worship and intercession, Wednesday we had all the people working at the base together for intercession. Thursday we had worship and intercession. Friday we had small group intercession. Also!!! Every Thursday night at 7 we had family night, where anyone could come and we had worship then the speaker of that week would talk a little bit and we would have a testimony or two!!!
So that was my first three months. I changed a lot even in those months, and I really thought that there wasn’t anything else I could learn on outreach, but we all know that God is never done with us…. Ha ha ha. Out of the things I learned during that time, I learned that you probably will never be able to make everyone happy, or make everyone like you, and that is perfectly fine. God loves everyone, but it became more personal to me. God loved me. The prettiest thing I could imagine. God made that for me. He made it knowing that one day I would just stare and wonder in its beauty!!!
Now if you think all of this is amazing, news for all of you,… it only gets better. For the outreaches we had two options. Russia or Peru. I had plans on going to Peru but I still prayed about in non-the-less. God informed me, quite amusingly, that why would he give me such a passion for Latino culture, language, food, and music if he was only going to send me to Russia,… Also in my praying, I had a vision of me walking through the jungle to a river and kids laughing all the way. So to all or yours surprise,… I CHOSE PERU!! YAY!
We set out on our way. 7 of us and two staff flew from Minneapolis to Atlanta, then from Atlanta to Lima. Easy right,… NOT!!! For some odd reason, can’t think of what that could be, everywhere we went something went wrong. HMM, stupid satan. Anyways. When leaving to go to Atlanta, our flight was delayed and we didn’t have much time to get to the layover. When we arrived to Atlanta, we ran, I mean RAN to our gate, only to find that the plan left without us. So we were stuck in Atlanta for the night. I do have to say though our spirits were quite high, we sat in the airport singing praise songs!! We weren’t going to let satan win anything. Delta gave us vouchers for food and gave us all hotel rooms until we could leave the next evening. So that is exactly what we did!! The next day we flew safely to Lima! We stayed in Lima that night at the YWAM base there. Then the next day we flew into Iquitos which is the city we were in if we weren’t in the jungle.
We arrived in Iquitos set up our stuff, met the people at the base! We had a great time exploring the city. We helped out at the base too. We sanded doors for them, and visited churches. We were only in the city for three days since we were behind. Then we were off to the jungle!!! On our first trip we went to San Jose, San Juan, Shapahesja, Lorencio Prado, and Fortuna. While we were there we dug two wells, and we saved enough to have a third well installed in another village that we went to on the second trip. We deparasited, evangelized, had youth programs, and we had church services every night. We also had someone of us preach or give testimonies along with dramas we did. EVERY NIGHT! Also in the first village, we had a mini youth camp. Which I want to say is like YWAM but in three days. All of us prepared a teaching or two that we had to give in front of all the youth. I had teachings on relationships and inner healing. It actually went very well!!! After about two weeks in the jungle we went back to Iquitos.
Back at the base we had lots of work ahead of us. We had a youth program in one of the churches called “Bella Luc” beautiful light. We painted a church called “Four Square” and we cleaned, chipped off paint, and repainted a Christian Missionary Alliance Church. We spent a lot of time there. We got to clean the cement floors with brooms, water, and laundry detergent, (don’t worry this is normal). Then we had to get ladders throw water on the building chip off the paint and paint it NEON GREEN, (don’t worry this is normal too). After all our working we did go out to eat a few times, we really enjoyed the Chifa, which is Peruvian Chinese food!!! Then went shopping with the street vendors, we really enjoyed our time.
After all of this, for about a week in the city, we headed back to the JUNGLE!!!! This time we went to Dos de Mayo (yes second of May, I don’t understand either), Sucre, Bagasan, and Nueva York (yes New York, just in the jungle!!) We did the same things like deparasiting, evangelizing, church services, dramas, and so forth. In the first village we went to though, we have a great story. There was no church there or so we thought, but really there was, it was just abandoned. We woke up early one morning, mowed the lawns (with machetes, its normal) and cleaned up the church as we washed the walls with brooms and the floors with brooms and soap as well, (normal). As we were cleaning, we stirred attention among the people who helped us out, and we had a church service in it the first day. It was awesome!!!
After about 15 days we went back to Iquitos. This time we worked with the alliance church a lot. We had a youth camp there for them This camp lasted about three days. It was awesome. The people were so receptive. After all of this, we actually got to go to the zoo! That was so much fun!!! I held a boa constrictor!! Ha ha ha.
Ok here is what the jungle was like, my real living conditions that I didn’t really want to tell my mom about, buy hooray for being a radical missionary, sorry mom, its my job J. We slept in huts, if you will, more or less open aired sometimes walled things. The people were very very nice, most were receptive to God, others weren’t but that is always the way it goes, it can break your heart, but we are there to plant the seed, God will do the rest. There were always chickens, ducks, cats, dogs, rats, HUGE spiders, ants, any jungle things in our rooms. We slept in mosquito hammocks. We had to change behind sheets because well, there wasn’t always walls, in fact there was only walls around all the way once. Kids were always following us, and the villagers stare at us like we were at an exhibit. Most of them have never seen “gringos” a lot. We had to put bug spray on like every hour, even then my leg was covered, literally a bug bite every half an inch, guys I WISH I was exaggerating. We bathed in the river, in our bathing suits, sometimes there was something for us to sit on, but it was always awkward because there were always people staring. Sometimes there was a well at the village where we could fill up buckets of water to pour it on ourselves with bowls. Our dirty clothes??? We washed them in the river with buckets and soap. We let it air dry with hopes there wouldn’t be ants on them when we took it off. Ants bite a lot down in Latin America and HARD. HMM BATHROOMS?? Yeah holes in the ground J sometimes they made the seat look like a toilet. In one village there was an actual toilet but we had to flush down the objects with water we got from the well, hard work,… A lot of us just went wherever we could find a place, I won’t get into details if you don’t want to hear them, but I’ll answer any questions you have!! It was very hot, and humid, after bathing, you didn’t know if you were still wet or sweating again. Yes I was scared every night but I have something that will protect me from anything GOD J
This whole experience taught me more than I could every express to you all in words. Those of you that see me will have to just watch me. But I will try to tell you all I can. I learned that my value only comes from God, no one else. I should be at such a place with God that anyone can come up and say the foulest thing to me and I’ll be ok because I know what God says about me is true. Also why do people get upset if people are mad at them, is it for selfish reasons, is it “why is she or he mad at me???? I just want everyone to like me!!” or is it “why is he or she mad, what can I do to fix this and how can I change, how did I offend them” I can’t please everyone, and I’m not the savior of the world. I can’t do anything on my own and its foolish to try and play God and try to do so. I’m in love with God, and I know He listens to the tiniest thing from me. He has a sense of humor and He wants to give me everything I need. He was always there and will always be there. He wants to love me more than anyone in this world ever can. He wants to fill the hole I have, He wants to show me the world. He hates seeing me in pain, but if I just ask Him, he takes it away so quick. He can talk to other threw me. It’s awesome! I’m glad I have such a gift, also I happen to be quite empathetic, I’m still trying to figure that. I also have this thing were I love to counsel others, still practicing that too, because I obviously can’t do any of this with out Him!!! Anything that you “can’t” live without or anything that you go to when you are upset can turn into a god. I realized that when I’m upset I go straight to music. I was praying the first days and God told me to fast my ipod, I just about had a fit but I agreed. Now when I have issues, I go straight to God, and hey, they get fixed faster, WEIRD!! I also learned, yes I have been hurt in my life, but not letting others in can potentially hurt me more. I am more open, I’ve learned it’s ok to cry, it isn’t a sign of weakness, it shows I can feel and instead of just stuffing down my emotions and not dealing with them, I deal with them I tell how I am feeling and I’m not afraid to be myself and be completely raw before others, even if I do get hurt, God will never reject me. This was very hard for me and took a lot of time, but thank God, God is patient!!!! I am extremely blessed. I have also found out what my passion in life is. Besides being a missionary and helping people, I want to work with street kids in South America somewhere. If God’s will to go back to Peru, so be it. I have no idea for now.
My plans so far are, In June, June 26th the second school for YWAM starts, I’m saving up right now. The topics are:
1) Principles of Ministry through Community
2) Biblical Worldview
3) Cross-Cultural Communication
4) Spiritual Gifts and Strengths Finder for Ministry
5) Personal Evangelism
6) Principles of Leadership
7) Compassion In Ministry
8) Faith and Finances for Ministry
9) Communication your Message Well
10) Understanding World Religions and the Make-Up of Your City
11) Practical leadership and discipleship
It’s a lot like the DTS but more independent now. For example after the first three months, your option for outreach is, alone, where you make up everything, with one or more other people, or you help staff the next DTS and then go on outreach with the students. I have been praying and I think that God wants me to do that one. I love counseling others and helping people, and why not practice there.
I really feel very strongly that God wants me to attend this school. The classroom phase is $2750, outreach phase is $1500 plus airfare to where ever we are going. The difference is, if I’m doing the staffing of the next DTS the finances are different, after lecture phase, its $342 a month, so I would be needing constant support. The school starts June 26th, and doing the internship staffing I would be returning around this time next year. I would be gone for about 8 months. This is something I feel I need to do, especially with all the people I went to DTS with. I made friendships with them like no other, and they all know me more than anyone, and it’ll be good to continue friendships that we all worked so hard on making. Please pray, and if you would like to donate anything please contact me. Also if you have any questions about anything go ahead and ask, I’d love to share!!! Thank you for your time! Sorry it’s so long, but its my past nine months!!! I also promise to write this newsletter thing once a week on updates. Thank you!!! And God Bless!!
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