Well, 

     Most of you know whats going on, especially if you're reading this. I haven't blogged in a while, I don't keep a journal or any of that crap, but I have realized that when I write, especially when I type, it's almost therapeutic for me. A way for me to clear my mind, and hey, a way to express myself, with photos and the like. Yeah, so what am I supposed to "get out" what am I supposed to "talk about" nobody really knows. I love the expression on people's face when I say "My mother just died" with the most fake smile on my face. It's the expression of sadness mixed with holy crap what should I say. Then everyone walks on eggshells. 

     I lost everything. Every. Little. Thing. My car isn't even in my name, then people at work complain when I mixed up their precious drinks. I try as hard as I can to understand that they could be going through something right now too, truth is, as mean as it sounds, I don't care, and I hate that. I love people and I love helping them, but I honestly just don't have it in me right now. I miss my cats and my house, and sadly I think it will take me a while to really call anywhere that isn't with my mother home. It hurts too much, home is where my heart is and that is with my mom. My heart HURTS, ACHES, CONVULSES, when I think about living more of my life with her than without her. There is still so much that she needed to help me with, to teach me, to show me. How dare she leave me. How dare her. It isn't right. It isn't fair. But it is what it is. I'm a baby. 

     You know those stages of grief they tell us about. There is like maybe 5 of them, they one I know well is anger. I'm just so gosh darn angry. At everyone. Yeah, yeah the "even me" question, no, not you. I really don't know how to explain it. I'm not angry in the way where we'll play the silent game or we'll fight, I'm just angry at everyone because they are happy. I'm not happy, let's just get that out of the way right there. I'm not, nor will I be for a long time. I'm mad at everyone who has parents, even though that sounds ridiculous. I'm mad at everywhere that can just go back to their happy, normal, parent filled lives, like nothing happened. EVERYTHING is just like it was, or so it seems,...people don't realize I just lost my world. She was my best friend, my mentor, mother, pastor. I try to be ok, to band aid it all, at least until when I'm alone. Then I feel ok, they everyone around me thinks I'm ok, but c'mon, seriously? I'm not. 

     The worst feeling right now is regret, or forgetting that she's gone. It's still so raw where I'll try to call her, then remember. Or when I remember I had to tell her something, now can't. All the regrets and thoughts and worries overcome me, and often. Regret is becoming a new friend of mine. One I know very well. I feel like if I had known or if I had been there, or if I had spent more time with her, or been a better daughter,....things would have been different. But lets face it, they wouldn't. Finding her was probably the worst part. Not to mention that it was sudden, as in, within 10 minutes. She had a hernia, which caused her to be sick often, she lied and said it was stress that was making her sick. This time she was sick, I guess God saw that she had suffered enough. Her body turned septic and she died of a massive heart attack within seconds. Trying to talk to her after, shaking her, hitting her, begging her to return to consciousness,  I knew she was gone, but I wanted with all of my might to just hit rewind and call the ambulance. Honestly, it wouldn't have mattered. I called right away. Again it wouldn't have mattered, my mother was gone, and she wasn't coming back. The woman who raised me by herself, loved me more than I've ever seen left the world. She left me. I'm so angry, lost and confused. 

     So now what? Well, new job, new home, new school year, all of these new things should distract me from it for a while, maybe make me a little numb, but that ok. I have stuff to do. Then again, something new isn't as scary when you have the old to look back on and refer to. I don't have that, or even remotely close. When kids move out of the house they are supposed to call mom and dad all the time with the questions. Who do I call? Or who's gonna walk me down the isle, or help me take care of my new born baby. Both of my parents were taken from me, leaving me an orphan at 21. It's a stupid situation. I'm so mad at God too, but mad with the knowledge that He has a plan, I just don't understand it yet. I know He won't give you more than you can handle but He must think I'm pretty darn strong. Lets see if I can build some more muscles.