Well, well, well, I'm back I guess. I mean I really haven't left. Just lost interest, or I'm busy you know, all those excuses for me simply forgetting I have a blog. Anyways. It's been a while, and last time I wrote I was about to go on a trip to Nicaragua, which was amazing to say the least. I had a great time and for some reason I feel like that trip was more for me than the people I went to go minister too. I hate it when that happens, but I guess everyone needs a wake up call to being humble. It was really good for me for many reasons. 1) I felt that the people I went with, Brad and Ruth were like new parents to me. Either that was God or it was my way of trying to fill the hole my parents put there when they died. I'm going with the God one. They filled my life with new and fun things to look forward to. 2) It opened my eyes to the relationship I was in. A relationship that I shouldn't have been in to say the least. I woke up to those issues, that's for sure. I ended things once I realized how deep I had fallen. I felt like I was in a pit and didn't want to get out. Repeat didn't want to. There comes a time in relationships where you know it's not working but it's just so comfortable that you just don't know what you will do without the other person. I was there. He was the one that I was with when I lost both of my parents. He was great for me, for that time. He was there to wipe my tears and give me hugs. Then I had to move on. I knew I had to, it was very clear. Most of the time the best things for you are the things that involve change, good or bad. 
     I have two jobs now, I work in the office of SUNY plattsburgh branch campus. It's pretty fun. Working on my bachelors in Psychology. Trying to be smart and stuff. I don't really think I want to continue school after my bachelors, we'll see how it goes. I have a new car, a surburu forester, it's pretty awesome. I've also been learning that in order to make the best decisions for you, you really need to make them yourself. There is a slippery slope between asking people for advice, and asking people for there permission to do something that you already know you want to do. Don't get me wrong, seeking Godly advice is great, but ultimately your decisions, are your decisions. The minute you let other poeple make choices for you is when you stop being and acting yourself. It's hard but I guess it's all part of growing up. I'm still just a baby, but I've learned so much in the past couple of years. I feel like I'm 75.
ok well that's it for now, gotta go write a paper and play softball!

Time Has Flown

So, I'm sorry about not blogging sooner. I just got a new computer and I tried maybe about 10 times to post something, and then it all was lost, pretty depressing. Gee wow, I know I have to keep blogging, I do, but I forget sometimes, anyways. So I read my last post in like October, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED...

     Where do I even begin? OK Well in October I was staying at my beloved boyfriend's family's house. They were so accepting and helpful when I needed a place to stay. I stayed there until about June. I recently moved out to my own apartment!!!! I have a roommate sent from God. She's so perfect for me, exactly what God knew I needed in a roommate. It's pretty nice, small, but two bedrooms. andddd I have the best dog in the world. Already tagged That is him, click on it! I'm not too good with this new computer yet. He's a long haired mini dachshund. Love him more than air!

     My boyfriend and I are doing well. He's been a great support system through all of this. Hmm yeah that "dream job" that I was telling you all about... Didn't work out I guess God had different plans... As of now, I'm a nanny for two kids 7 and 8. The family is great. I've been working with them since January and it works well with my school schedule as well. Ahhh speaking of school. I am almost done with my associates in humanities and social science, then on to my bachelors in psychology. My dream is to open a safe house for orphans ages 18-25, because I mean come on, legally when orphans are under 18 they have to have someone take care of them, that's not always the case, but thats they way it's supposed to be. Anyway and when you are over 25, you sort of have it all together, I guess, or supposed to. I want to have a place for that age group to come. I want to help them figure out what to do after their loss, help them find a job, place to live, figure out finances, counsel them, tell them about God, etc. I think it's a great idea, and since God is awesome and uses the horrible things that happen in our life for our benefit if we trust Him. I feel like I would be good in that since because I've overcome that part of my life... I want to either live in Minneapolis or South America, I know crazy but I have a huge heart for the Spanish culture. 

     So my mom's one year passed, it actually wasn't as hard on that specific day, it's been heart the weeks after. I ordered her gravestone, and there is just a permanence that I wasn't expecting when I saw her name on that stone. It hurt my heart in a way that I wasn't ready for. I guess subconsciously, since I never saw her name above the grave it wasn't really true. She was just hiding and would come back. So I guess ever since then, I've been having a hard time, but I've really been seeking God out and He always sends such peace and mercy. 

     Really cool story, my puppy Jed and I went to the park, I really didn't want to but for some reason I felt I had to. We walked past a lady who seemed to be in a heated argument. She looked familiar. Jed happened to walk back and forth past her, and she eventually commented on how cute he was. After she opened up and told me she had to make an extremely hard decision. I proceeded to talk to her about it and then, she told me that she was in a hard spot because her father just passed away recently... CRAZY, I told her that I really did understand and I told her to never lose her faith. She was a believer which was awesome. The most interesting question she asked me was during all of the grief, did I rebel with drugs/drinking/ etc. I told her I was very bitter but no God is always there for me, I kept my faith and a light when off in her head. She told me she had been praying while sitting on the bench there asking God to send someone to let her know she wasn't alone... amazing how God works....

     Other things... I'm so excited about my upcoming mission trip. I have an opportunity to go to Nicaragua for three weeks. I'm going with a group called father heart missions. Brad and Ruth are the missionaries I will be staying with. I will be working with teens and youth and even speaking in spanish at the local churches, I mean if I can!!! I'm really excited about it. I need about $1400 more. I know that it is possible. God will always provide... http://funds.gofundme.com/index.php?route=fundmanager I will try very hard to update everyone more now that I have a mission trip to get ready for :) God bless!

     I don't really remember where I left off. I guess my last blog kinda left you guys in a clump of emotions and not really an answers huh. Well let's see....
  
     I have been going to my house a lot, not a lone, with people of course. We spent I think about two full weekends there just packing, throwing things out, organizing. I hated it but I'm glad it's getting done. Also it's depressing. No one wants to watch as people come into their house to throw things out, or any of that. It's your home, or is it? Is your home the building and the things in it, or is it the people that make the home? I'm very sentimental you see, so throwing things away was very difficult for me. I had to have my "helpers" do it while I wasn't looking. It had to be done that way or I would become a hoarder. I have the important things don't get me wrong, but the silly things that were my mother's but had no sentimental value to me, they are gone. I have piles. I'm going to have a garage sale, I think the second weekend in November, so follow me on facebook to see when it really is so you can come check it out. Ah, and yes, my kitties, they have finally found a home. Thank God.  I was so worried. So that's the house.

     New phone, new, well paying bills isn't my favorite thing. Also leaving a job because it's horrible hours isn't fun either. I'm in a new chapter I guess, or maybe the introduction. I wouldn't say I'm starting over, or even starting new. I'm just starting to stand up from being trampled on the ground by elephants. I'm a bit delusional, out of it, etc. I have many issues at the moment, but who can blame me. School, that's not fun for anyone, but I'm doing it! A struggle but driven by the hope that I'm making my mom proud, and staying strong so I don't fall apart anymore than I already am. I have some cool ideas. I'm going to take my mother's and my father's ashes (separately) and make glass pendants out of them. I also have some cool ideas for other jewelry, we'll get to that later.

     Things that I'm thankful for right now are carrying me through. I love God and He's been great, and always will be. My boyfriend, best friends, family, and seriously, tears come to my eyes just thinking about how blessed I am. How many people care about me to take care of me. I even found a place that I would describe as my dream job. No details for now because I'm not sure yet, but I'm volunteering on Friday. Things are looking up for now. I'm just praying for God to tell me what to do next. <3

Well, 

     Most of you know whats going on, especially if you're reading this. I haven't blogged in a while, I don't keep a journal or any of that crap, but I have realized that when I write, especially when I type, it's almost therapeutic for me. A way for me to clear my mind, and hey, a way to express myself, with photos and the like. Yeah, so what am I supposed to "get out" what am I supposed to "talk about" nobody really knows. I love the expression on people's face when I say "My mother just died" with the most fake smile on my face. It's the expression of sadness mixed with holy crap what should I say. Then everyone walks on eggshells. 

     I lost everything. Every. Little. Thing. My car isn't even in my name, then people at work complain when I mixed up their precious drinks. I try as hard as I can to understand that they could be going through something right now too, truth is, as mean as it sounds, I don't care, and I hate that. I love people and I love helping them, but I honestly just don't have it in me right now. I miss my cats and my house, and sadly I think it will take me a while to really call anywhere that isn't with my mother home. It hurts too much, home is where my heart is and that is with my mom. My heart HURTS, ACHES, CONVULSES, when I think about living more of my life with her than without her. There is still so much that she needed to help me with, to teach me, to show me. How dare she leave me. How dare her. It isn't right. It isn't fair. But it is what it is. I'm a baby. 

     You know those stages of grief they tell us about. There is like maybe 5 of them, they one I know well is anger. I'm just so gosh darn angry. At everyone. Yeah, yeah the "even me" question, no, not you. I really don't know how to explain it. I'm not angry in the way where we'll play the silent game or we'll fight, I'm just angry at everyone because they are happy. I'm not happy, let's just get that out of the way right there. I'm not, nor will I be for a long time. I'm mad at everyone who has parents, even though that sounds ridiculous. I'm mad at everywhere that can just go back to their happy, normal, parent filled lives, like nothing happened. EVERYTHING is just like it was, or so it seems,...people don't realize I just lost my world. She was my best friend, my mentor, mother, pastor. I try to be ok, to band aid it all, at least until when I'm alone. Then I feel ok, they everyone around me thinks I'm ok, but c'mon, seriously? I'm not. 

     The worst feeling right now is regret, or forgetting that she's gone. It's still so raw where I'll try to call her, then remember. Or when I remember I had to tell her something, now can't. All the regrets and thoughts and worries overcome me, and often. Regret is becoming a new friend of mine. One I know very well. I feel like if I had known or if I had been there, or if I had spent more time with her, or been a better daughter,....things would have been different. But lets face it, they wouldn't. Finding her was probably the worst part. Not to mention that it was sudden, as in, within 10 minutes. She had a hernia, which caused her to be sick often, she lied and said it was stress that was making her sick. This time she was sick, I guess God saw that she had suffered enough. Her body turned septic and she died of a massive heart attack within seconds. Trying to talk to her after, shaking her, hitting her, begging her to return to consciousness,  I knew she was gone, but I wanted with all of my might to just hit rewind and call the ambulance. Honestly, it wouldn't have mattered. I called right away. Again it wouldn't have mattered, my mother was gone, and she wasn't coming back. The woman who raised me by herself, loved me more than I've ever seen left the world. She left me. I'm so angry, lost and confused. 

     So now what? Well, new job, new home, new school year, all of these new things should distract me from it for a while, maybe make me a little numb, but that ok. I have stuff to do. Then again, something new isn't as scary when you have the old to look back on and refer to. I don't have that, or even remotely close. When kids move out of the house they are supposed to call mom and dad all the time with the questions. Who do I call? Or who's gonna walk me down the isle, or help me take care of my new born baby. Both of my parents were taken from me, leaving me an orphan at 21. It's a stupid situation. I'm so mad at God too, but mad with the knowledge that He has a plan, I just don't understand it yet. I know He won't give you more than you can handle but He must think I'm pretty darn strong. Lets see if I can build some more muscles. 

Half Way

     I haven't written for a long time wow. Where do I even start? So since my last trip to the city, I haven't gone back for ministry yet. Things keep going wrong, with cars, timing, days, I don't even know. So that didn't work out to well. I was supposed to go to record somethings for Ricardo, but things just didn't work out! Now, sadly I'm eating cough drops religiously so I don't get the cough that is trying to creep up on me. I have been doing little things around the base, obviously cleaning everyday, haha, or typing up things for the base, or translating things, teaching, things along that line. Then it hit me, there had to be more than this. So I realized that I went to the market everyday with Licha, our wonderful cook to get the food for lunch. As I went there everyday I started to see how relationships could easily be made there. For example there is a girl named Erica who sells us vegetables and fruits. We talk every time I go! So I turned it into my personal ministry. The first day I went I passed out, I don't want to say tracks, but in a sense, like pretty designed "love notes" from God. It went over well. I then asked them what they thought about it, forgetting I'm not fluent in Spanish, yet somehow I understood. Things went so well, I went back to the base to set my next plan into motion. I wrote a survey, my friend Neitan, helped me translate, but it was an easy way to evangelize. So I did it, I made copies, and I even printed out the Lord's prayer in Spanish just in case. The next day I brought someone who kind of spoke English with me. We talked to a couple of people, and a guy named Fidel even gave his life to Jesus that day! It was great! Something I started because God told me to, and I was actually seeing God work through us! I try to go to the market everyday too!


     This weekend I went to Mexico City to go shopping with Licha and buy a few things for me and my friends back home. It was quite the trip. I saw amazing things, and soooo many people. I was shoved more times than I can count!!! I loved it though, there were street vendors, illegal street vendors, whenever the police came, they whipped up their stuff and ran! It was quite the experience, I even bought a Mexican blanket! I love it!


     Sunday, I actually gave my first teaching at Iglesia Christian Manantial Vida. I was asked to give three teachings for the next three Sundays. yesterday I taught 18 teenagers about relationships. It was AMAZING. They were really receptive, and asked questions, and they actually answered my questions. I didn't even get to finish my teaching and it was over an hour! The best part was, afterwards, some even told me how much my teaching had got them to think, how they actually received something from it. It was amazing because a lot of what I said wasn't off the paper, it was because I asked God what he wanted me to say. It was great! The next teaching is about cross-cultural relationships. That should be fun. I am realizing I actually love teaching! I really think being a youth leader would be a great idea. 


     About how I am right now. I'm struggling. Truth is, it's hard when you're in a different culture being the only one. I don't have anyone to really explain it to me, and I always find myself being in situations were I HAVE to speak Spanish. It's frustrating. At times I feel alone, I know I'm not, I know God is always there, but it's a battle. God is strengthening me now, when I feel these ways I know I should go to Him. He's sitting there waiting for me to cry for help. I'm realizing I'm stronger than I thought I was. God says He will NEVER give you more than you can handle and the way I view life is that whatever trial you face, something, SOMETHING, anything good will come of it. It may take a while, but ultimately something will, even if its as small as a realization, or a lesson. God is using me in ways I would have never imagined. I am His shining light, and I'm not gonna let my light fade. Even by my actions here, the people at the base tell me they can see my heart. Even though at times I'm dying to hear English or see a cheeseburger and not a taco, I know God put me here for a reason, and I'm not gonna give up until it's completed. Also, I'm fasting Facebook, so for those of you who watch my status', don't be offended, if you need me, e-mail me. I need to focus more on ministry not what is going on at home. 


     Please pray for me to focus, to hear God's voice clearly, for strength, compassion, and confidence! Thank you guys! :)

Learning Different Things

     Wow. That pretty much sums up what I'm thinking.  I have so much to say. Lets see. I came to Mexico thinking that I was going to save the world, yeah, you know, that mindset, I'm a missionary, show me what I'm going to work with, and what not, yeah, well, God had other plans. He usually does, I guess He's always trying to teach us or something. First I'm going to tell you about the past week, and then I'll tell you about my day yesterday. Sound good? Ok. So this past week has been pretty cool. I had three teachings so far and one today. Ironically, I can teach for a long time, who would have thought? I taught on spiritual gifts and strengths, cross-cultural ministries, compassion in your ministry, and today I'm talking about servant leadership. It’s great; I'm actually seeing what I learned in School of Ministry Development. They are at such a time right now, where literally everything is changing. I'm not kidding, so not only do I usually have no idea what's going on, they don't either. I think it's quite ironic that as they are changing their ministries and their focus on ministry, I'm here, helping them, and teaching them how to develop their ministries, it's as if someone had a great plan, GO FIGURE. They are switching up everything! So also, on top of teaching them, I'm teaching a couple people the piano, weird, because for those who have known me for a long time know, I HATED piano, now, I can't stay away from one. So I love music and God has definitely given me a passion for it, now I get to teach something I love! I sang worship, and played the piano, by myself for them because I sang in English, but then Ricardo who happens to have a band, asked me to sing back up for some of his tracks and that I'm going to go to record next week. I'm also playing the piano for a song; my name is already in the credits!  I'm learning how to cook, how to pretty much live here and not stick out like an American. I pretty much know my way around outside the base; I could get to the market, the bakery, the plaza, by myself. Hmm, I went to an actual mall, and got a krispy kreme doughnut, it made me miss America. :( But it was delicious. The base director wants to take me to Whitzi, I have no idea how to spell that, but it's more of an indigenous place, so that should be fun. I'm going to work with another youth group this weekend, and then I'm going to go talk at a high school. Crazy plans but sounds like so much fun! I'm also going to the fair tomorrow and 6 flags Mexico City soon, because I have 4 free tickets! :) yay missionary connections!!! Ok on to my day yesterday.

    

     If you get upset about the injustices in the world very easily, I advise you to not keep reading. 

     Well first off, it was my turn to make breakfast, again for people who know me, I hate cooking, even in American so think about me trying to cook, by myself at 7 am in a foreign country, yeah, I don't see a problem with it either,... NOT. So, the night before I went to the store with the person who cooks everyday to buy stuff to make pancakes, which they call hotcakes here, weird, and unlike America, they have to add other things besides just water. So I stumbled out of bed into the tiny kitchen, to try to find things to make these so called hot cakes. I also had to try to make coffee, which is harder than you think on account that WHY WOULD THEY USE TO THE COFFEE MAKER! THAT'S ABSURD! So, I made some, but it was different, they also make cinnamon tea, my favorite, so I had to make all these hot cakes in a tiny one pancake at a time thing, it was actually quite exciting. I actually succeeded and everyone was happy!  Then it was my turn for devo. Now, the last time we had devo we started an encouragement thing and it was continuing so I figured I would just keep going, but as I started, they told me that was only for the days where it was prayer, this was devo. Now let me remind you, this is my knowledge going off the fact those prayer days and devo days are ALL in Spanish, so I think a bit of communication got lost in translation. So I got up, prayed really hard that God would miraculously make me spit out an hour devo off the top of my head, and well, HE DID. It was great! I somehow knew all the verses I wanted too! I love how God can do that. Then it was time to get ready to go to the city! They informed me that I couldn't bring anything valuable, I had to take my ring off, and I couldn't bring my camera, so unfortunately no pictures. The ride was long we live about an hour outside of the city, but the ride was never boring, I still get nervous whenever I get in a car here. Especially after yesterday I almost got in a car crash. Some car went right in front of us and we stopped an inch behind them. Always invigorating driving here. Then I saw another car actually hit another one, nothing drastic, but it's normal here. So we finally arrived at Ricardo's, (my base director) mother's house. She was super sweet and fed us the BEST food I've had here so far. Then we set out. We walked to a place with fountains, I have no idea what it was called, but on my way there I learned some things. We walked past a huge statue where I saw people laying underneath it, and a park with people sleeping on the ground, and now I'm not talking about a nice picnic and a nap, this was their life. I asked about it, Neil (staff at the base) informed me that almost all or at least most of the homeless people used to live underneath that statue but the police told them they couldn't because of all the tourists that come, they want to make Mexico cleaner. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YES PLEASE LET’S JUST HIDE ALL THE HOMELESS PEOPLE, THAT'LL FIX THINGS. So we started praying at the fountain place to ask God what the base should do, because they have been doing ministries there for 3.5 years, should they move on, or keep going. We were praying, as I was looking at the fountain watching a homeless person try to sneak a bath really quick before anyone could see. I'm already at the point of tears but yet we keep walking. We went to the place that the homeless called home since they were kicked out of the other place. It was behind a cement wall, with a tiny, I mean for like one person opening. I wanted to see, they warned me, I still wanted to see, but first we bought soda to give to them and just tried to talk to them and hang out with them. We sat on the sidewalk outside the cement wall, and talked and watched people "work". One of the main ways to get pesos here is by cleaning windshields at stop lights. They get one or two pesos, which are about 10 to 20 cents, my friends. That's what they do,... for their work... As we were just sitting there, I asked Neil to take me in. He did, I walked in, and was heartbroken. They had made tent like things with sticks, blankets and tarps in a dump. Yes, I'm very serious when I say a dump, all of the trash was there, but it was their home. Their home sweet home. I couldn't help but to cry. I watched as a mother was caring for her baby in her shack. They inhale paint thinner, it's the main drug here, really cheap, and I watch as every person is "huffing". It kills the pain of being hungry, so instead of trying to find food, they kill away their feelings, even better. We hung out with them for a bit. They we moved on to the prostitution areas, need I tell you we stopped and prayed about every half an hour for all this, just to really seek God out. They warned me once again. Prostitution isn't illegal in Mexico, so coming from the states where it is, this was all very new to me. There are rules though. REALLY? RULES ABOUT PROSTITUTION,... WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? They can't prostitute past a certain time and can't have too much skin showing at a certain time. I walked past maybe 20 to 25 prostitutes in one block. They just stand there, waiting for someone to come take advantage of them for money. They sell themselves, and they look dead in their eyes, no life, only shame. They all wear shoes that look like they kill your feet, and little to no clothes, and I was cold yesterday, so that must mean they were too, I was actually wearing normal clothes. We prayed a lot for them. It kills me that they are ok with that life, but also, some of the homeless people have chosen that lifestyle as well. I watched as the next building to the homeless the police we standing on guard with their giant guns, and how the police were just watching as the prostitutes just stand,.. and wait,.. and wait... There was a place they called the "cat walk" where the girls would line up, strut themselves off, and guys could just take their pick. Absolutely disgusting. We started to head back, but first we hung out with another family the base had known for a few years. A man and his wife and their three kids stood on the corner washing windows. I sat on the sidewalk wondering how people live this way. I look at another statue that looks so beautiful on the outside, yet behind it, there was another shack, if you can even call it that with people sleeping in it, what else can they do? How can something that looks so beautiful up front be so ugly in the back? I thought the jungle was hard; yeah well this is the concrete jungle. We headed back to Pachuca. I was pretty shooken up. Then oh goodness, silly me, I was cold last night, I felt horrible thinking about all the cold people in the streets right now, as I snuggled up with my blankets. All I could do was pray until I fell asleep. 

     Please pray that the base here will have clear direction in their next step and for me to continue with my outreach here with strength and wisdom :)

Hello Mexico

I guess I could start by saying I'm healed? Yeah that's a good place to start. I'm actually out of my bed and eating, somethings. I have to take is slow. I got my last shot today, finally no more bruises on my butt. Thank God.  Now I can actually do what I came here for, or so I thought. I don't exactly know anymore.  I had my plans but apparently God has His too. He's definately showing me how He will work everything out for His will. I'm usually the type of person to go go go, and here I'm realizing I'm working more in the base with the people here than anything, also I haven't really been healthy to go out that much. You know, the mindset of "I'm going to go to Mexico and save Mexico" well, more or less, now for me is, "I'm going to go to Mexico, and help the people at the base be more equiped in their ministries." It's pretty hard to grasp, but is also extrmemly humbling. 
     
     My first teaching is on well gifts and strengths. I'm saying how it's a good idea to know the people that you are working with in a ministry on a pretty deep level to see where you can help and fit in. I find it really interesting also that the base director here wants me to teach them how to develop their slowly fading ministries, where on the other hand he is a father to a lot of the staff here as well as a couple girls he housed off the street. He teaches on the father heart of God, which is something very dear to my heart, especially now in this part of my life. He is like a father to me. Looking out for me. Trying to get me to have fun, not be sick, and grow with God. I think God is pretty funny. How He worked all this out, I have no idea, but He did. I'm learning how to rely on Him, and just focus on the little things as well. 


     We did Reto Urbano this weekend. It was pretty snazzy. There were about 8 kids. They showed up early on Saturday, and it began. We had some devotional time, (in spanish) some woship time that I played the piano for! (in spanish) a teaching on identity, (again in spanish) EVERYTHING is in spanish, I mean come on it's mexico, my point being, I understood it! They had an scavager hunt like thing, that sounded pretty great, and they we all headed out to the hospital to pass out bread and tea to the poeple waiting for their loved ones. We prayed for them as well. I was wandering around, pretty much scared to death, because I was wondering how I was going to walk up to a total stranger, talk to them and pray for them in spanish, but God told me to talk to a specific girl, so, well, I did. I asked her why she was here, and she told me her brother was having stomach problems, I KNEW IT. God likes to put two and two together. I explained that I knew how he felt, and I prayed, in spanish, or tried to, but it went semi well! The next day the whole group went to church then returned to sign contracts. I know it sounds intense and it is intense, they continue to come here once a month for a year, following a set of rules! Over all it went great!!!!


     Please be praying for encouragment, peace, love and for God's will to be done.